It told me stuff just didn't seem useful, and didn't give me proper symbols whatever compiler options I changed.
==42230== Memcheck, a memory error detector
==42230== Copyright (C) 2002-2017, and GNU GPL'd, by Julian Seward et al.
==42230== Using Valgrind-3.13.0 and LibVEX; rerun with -h for copyright info
==42230== Command: ./ccminisphere.app/contents/macos/minisphere
==42230==
--42230-- run: /usr/bin/dsymutil "./ccminisphere.app/contents/macos/minisphere"
==42230== Syscall param msg->desc.port.name points to uninitialised byte(s)
==42230== at 0x106B8A34A: mach_msg_trap (in /usr/lib/system/libsystem_kernel.dylib)
==42230== by 0x106B89796: mach_msg (in /usr/lib/system/libsystem_kernel.dylib)
==42230== by 0x106B83485: task_set_special_port (in /usr/lib/system/libsystem_kernel.dylib)
==42230== by 0x106D1F10E: _os_trace_create_debug_control_port (in /usr/lib/system/libsystem_trace.dylib)
==42230== by 0x106D1F458: _libtrace_init (in /usr/lib/system/libsystem_trace.dylib)
==42230== by 0x1031C69DF: libSystem_initializer (in /usr/lib/libSystem.B.dylib)
==42230== by 0x103082A1A: ImageLoaderMachO::doModInitFunctions(ImageLoader::LinkContext const&) (in /usr/lib/dyld)
==42230== by 0x103082C1D: ImageLoaderMachO::doInitialization(ImageLoader::LinkContext const&) (in /usr/lib/dyld)
==42230== by 0x10307E4A9: ImageLoader::recursiveInitialization(ImageLoader::LinkContext const&, unsigned int, char const*, ImageLoader::InitializerTimingList&, ImageLoader::UninitedUpwards&) (in /usr/lib/dyld)
==42230== by 0x10307E440: ImageLoader::recursiveInitialization(ImageLoader::LinkContext const&, unsigned int, char const*, ImageLoader::InitializerTimingList&, ImageLoader::UninitedUpwards&) (in /usr/lib/dyld)
==42230== by 0x10307D523: ImageLoader::processInitializers(ImageLoader::LinkContext const&, unsigned int, ImageLoader::InitializerTimingList&, ImageLoader::UninitedUpwards&) (in /usr/lib/dyld)
==42230== by 0x10307D5B8: ImageLoader::runInitializers(ImageLoader::LinkContext const&, ImageLoader::InitializerTimingList&) (in /usr/lib/dyld)
==42230== Address 0x1078f465c is on thread 1's stack
==42230== in frame #2, created by task_set_special_port (???:)
==42230==
--42230-- UNKNOWN mach_msg unhandled MACH_SEND_TRAILER option
--42230-- UNKNOWN mach_msg unhandled MACH_SEND_TRAILER option (repeated 2 times)
--42230-- UNKNOWN mach_msg unhandled MACH_SEND_TRAILER option (repeated 4 times)
==42230== Thread 2:
==42230== Invalid read of size 4
==42230== at 0x106CE7899: _pthread_body (in /usr/lib/system/libsystem_pthread.dylib)
==42230== by 0x106CE7886: _pthread_start (in /usr/lib/system/libsystem_pthread.dylib)
==42230== by 0x106CE708C: thread_start (in /usr/lib/system/libsystem_pthread.dylib)
==42230== Address 0x18 is not stack'd, malloc'd or (recently) free'd
==42230==
==42230==
==42230== Process terminating with default action of signal 11 (SIGSEGV)
==42230== Access not within mapped region at address 0x18
==42230== at 0x106CE7899: _pthread_body (in /usr/lib/system/libsystem_pthread.dylib)
==42230== by 0x106CE7886: _pthread_start (in /usr/lib/system/libsystem_pthread.dylib)
==42230== by 0x106CE708C: thread_start (in /usr/lib/system/libsystem_pthread.dylib)
==42230== If you believe this happened as a result of a stack
==42230== overflow in your program's main thread (unlikely but
==42230== possible), you can try to increase the size of the
==42230== main thread stack using the --main-stacksize= flag.
==42230== The main thread stack size used in this run was 8388608.
==42230==
==42230== HEAP SUMMARY:
==42230== in use at exit: 1,301,583 bytes in 807 blocks
==42230== total heap usage: 1,751 allocs, 944 frees, 2,460,469 bytes allocated
==42230==
==42230== LEAK SUMMARY:
==42230== definitely lost: 7,112 bytes in 96 blocks
==42230== indirectly lost: 1,074,264 bytes in 86 blocks
==42230== possibly lost: 3,784 bytes in 108 blocks
==42230== still reachable: 62,761 bytes in 219 blocks
==42230== suppressed: 153,662 bytes in 298 blocks
==42230== Rerun with --leak-check=full to see details of leaked memory
==42230==
==42230== For counts of detected and suppressed errors, rerun with: -v
==42230== Use --track-origins=yes to see where uninitialised values come from
==42230== ERROR SUMMARY: 2 errors from 2 contexts (suppressed: 28 from 4)
Segmentation fault: 11
Putting my printfs in the right place I was able to get it to print the whole of the startup game's main.js to the terminal so it is finding and opening the file - it's just when it tries to evaluate it that everything goes wrong.