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Topic: The Porkocalypse (Read 2510 times) previous topic - next topic

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  • Fat Cerberus
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The Porkocalypse
one day the pigs will take over the world
over the ensuing eight months and twelve days
people will begin to mysteriously disappear
its very mysterious
nobody knows how people could just disappear off the face of the earth
never to be seen or heard from ever again
it couldnt possibly have anything to do with the eaty pigs
thats just ridiculous
who ever heard of something so stupid
pigs eating people
next youll be telling me theres a giant cow that eats cats

eventually everyone will disappear
then the pigs will be done with this planet
they will move on to the next
and all the aliens will mysteriously disappear just like the humans before them
the pigs will have nothing to do with that of course
but they will nonetheless carve a trail of eatiness throughout the galaxy
while just being generally fat and pink and eaty and piggish
and nobody will know what to do
or indeed if anything even can be done
but one thing is for sure
one day
after all the intelligent life on all the planets has mysteriously disappeared
for non-pig-related reasons because why would the pigs have anything to do with that
those pigs
they are going to eat the sun

in case it wasnt obvious by now
an enormous pig eating the sun
its kind of a problem
not so much because anyone needs the sunlight to survive
because remember everyone disappeared
which of course had nothing to do with the pigs but i digress
its more just because its a frigging sun
its extremely hot
and so eating it doesnt actually extinguish it
no matter how fat the thing was that ate it
so now theres just this huge pink star with a pig nose floating around the galaxy
eating everything
because it wasnt bad enough when it was just a giant pig eating stuff
now the pig is like
five thousand degrees
and who needs that

but all hope is not lost
which i know is hard to believe
because how do you stop an invasion of eaty pigs
especially when they are fat enough to eat the frigging sun
but you can trust me on this
i have it on good authority
you see
theres a prophecy
the pigs dont want anyone to know about it
but i do
it says
there will come a day when all the stars in all the galaxies align
when all life in the universe has been snuffed out
except for one kitty-eating cow
and on the morning of the rose-colored eclipse
it is said that the cow will stand against the pigs
the cow will lose
but not without thinning the pigs ranks
only then will the pink sun rise
and the last pig fall
into a black hole
never to be seen or heard from ever again

and so it goes
that at the end of time
when everything in existence has been eaten
but not the people or aliens because that would be stupid
because why would pigs eat people
in an ironic twist of fate
the eaty pigs themselves will be eaten
and while this victory will come at great cost
because lets be honest
nothing will survive the porkocalypse
but it turns out
it doesnt matter
because as the last pig is sucked into the singularity
being such a glutton it would eat the frigging sun
the black hole will be clogged
and as the sole surviving pig struggles in vain to get free
the star in its stomach keeping it from being crushed completely
the dead cow will float over the event horizon
only then will the pig know
its time is up
and as the cow and pig are compressed
into a tiny lavender singularity
in its final moments
the pig will be heard to say
let there be light
and there will be light

thus is it left to all intelligent life in the universe
to prepare for the porkacalypse
nobody knows the time or the hour
but its coming soon
you will know the day has come
when the largest pig ever recorded
enters the atmosphere from outer space
crash-lands on earth
shows up on your doorstep
and demands to eat all the food in your refrigerator
and as if that wasn't enough
your little dog too
now you may think you can outrun the pig before it comes
by leaving the planet now
especially since its so fat
surely it must be incredibly slow
way too slow to ever catch up with the space shuttle
but you are sorely mistaken
for you see
sixty five million years ago a meteorite wiped out the dinosaurs
most think they were killed in the blast
but thats a bunch of baloney
it turns out
all the dinosaurs were eaten into extinction
which is kind of ironic
and certainly tragic
but nonetheless necessary
so at any rate
it should be coming into focus now
nobody can ever outrun the pigs
because well
they are already here

so always remember
whenever youre feeling down
because youre afraid
and its okay to be afraid of eaty pigs
dont ever let anyone tell you it isnt
someone else might just have it worse than you
because theyre the one thats going to have to tell you
with tears in their eyes
theres a pig behind you
  • Last Edit: September 07, 2020, 11:41:06 am by Fat Cerberus
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